Another kendo-camp, another week-end well spent, two 'fights' with Vesku, new blisters, new friends, one ride to the camp with an old friend in red 166 Alfa Romeo! And a hurt sister-in-arms.
I think the above quite summarizes the week-end. Brief it is, granted. So, I graded the next level, the 4th kyu, and I am so not proud of it, far from it. Two sets of strikes and both have been taken apart and put together that week-end and rehearsed umpteenth times and what do I do? F it all up. Plenty lot of FOOTwork to do, mostly. Two notes for this: Mika sat at the side of the 'dojo' and Tuire and I were convinced that he'd want to be anywhere but there. In Finnish there is a saying; one shames one's eyes out (häpeää silmät päästään), and that pretty much describes how Mika looked. Not compared how I felt, I wanted to pick up my stuff, walk out and never come back, forget that there is a sport called kendo. The second note: I'm ever so greatful to god?allah?faith?force? that LeKendoMaster (AKA Mörkö (TehBoogieman)) was not there! I mean, I'd never hear the end of it, it'd've been 'yapyapyap' untill the next grading and all the way home, for of course I'd've ridden back with him had he been there.
The fights then, aw! Vesku! Lad, you restored my faith in meself, thank you! I know you held back a bit, from time to time, but I cannot balme you for doing so because you did it with style, you did not make me feel inferior as sometimes happens with someone I will not mention here. They were two 'fare' fights and I enjoyed them immensly. All spring I've been feeling rather stupid and slow and unskilled, but it appears that the hours spent training with Eero have not gone wasted. 'Kote' need not be at the waist level, I figured that out. And Vesku, I do believe you were gladly surprised. Thanks again, laddie. Untill next camp I shall train in secret.
My hurt sister-in-arms, Veera, I am truly sorry I did not tell you the truth. I had my reasons in doing so and one day I might tell them all to you, when they no longer matter. Congrats to you for passing the grading!
Tuire, congrats to you too!
One final note, before I go and start hunting pics for the new lay. The aforementioned Alfa. I quote: 'There are three hundered cars on the lot and I choose this piece of shite!' Lad, I hope you never grow out of this, making an off-hand remark that makes me laugh so hard!

Renny-Alexander, who believes nothing happens by accident




21/04/07 'Life is Changing'

Och, aye, the title, it's an old 80's pop tune by a group callled Bogart co. and not very known, not is it really good, but it is my theme song.
Snip of the lyrics:
'just when you think that you're about to settle down
fate comes and zaps you right in the eye'
/Snip of the lyrics:
Right. This meaning that every time I think I have my life in order, something happens and I get, more or less, confused. Something did happen and for six days (!) I did not know what to think or do. There is one other, who knows what happened, the whole nine yards. I had to tell someone who is a) an outsider, b) a man, and c) someone I can trust 150% not to tell further. So, I did get my head straight.
I'm not telling what happened, yet. it's not that I don't want to, it's more like a question of trust. Can I be trusted in the future to keep 'secrets'. I know it sounds weird and it might not be like that at all, but I feel this way now. I'll just have to wait and see.
Anyhoo, this is a short excuse for long silence and I'm sorry. It's that lately I've had so much to do and to be and to sort out that I have been home only to sleep.
Kendo is taking more and more of my time. Not that I'm sorry, I found that lost spark again. Aye, I lost it again. Grading coming up, that might be it. Also, there are two more girls, who started last September, and are they commited to the sport! Much like I am. Just the other day Pauliina said that I'm good and she was a bit surprised when she learned that I have done kendo only 18+ months. She'd though that I'd done it longer. I said her to cut the crap, I'm no good.
Another thing, I found a car I'd like to buy. A brand ner Alfa Romeo 147. Blue. Pretty thing. I do have expensive taste, but so? I can't have it. I might be able to buy it, but never afford the insurance; including collision, elk, theft, fire and whatever-fees. To not to have this is actively searching for trouble. Oh, I know there are asses (lads) willing to finance anything but if you acept their fianacial help, you have to accept the ass too and then it becomes to be more than a question of money.
What is it then? Well, it would be so easy to answer: love, but it's not that either, all alone. It's that and more. I've been doing my best to clarify that to meself. This much I know, I don't need another boy, brought up with milk and bun mixture, to be educated for the first six month and then to see that nope, this one will not do, swap him! I need someone with a backbone, a man who takes responsibility out of his actions and do not run, at the first sight of trouble, to his mum and whine that nasty girl is teasing. Bollox! Also, I need free space and time to dream and to create (=write). It may not always look like I'm writing when I end up sitting at comp and playing games on Net, that's just part of the process. I know that sometimes my dreams take impropable measures, but I still know where's the limit. (Tommi-darling, I think I worte this crap to you!) And if there happens to be humourless bastard around who'll kill these crazy dreams with über-realism, he will kill my creativity and dull my will to live thus making me bitter, whining bitch. And I don't want this. I'm sorry to say this, but this is true with most of them afore mentioned asses. Another thing, I do things regarded as manly and I believe it's a good thing, to know how to do (some of) them, but these same asses are greatly disturbed and feel that their manly ego is violated if I disagree with them about these matters, and especially when I know I'm right. Then there is the question of being safe, which is a bit harder to explain, for this has nothing to do with financial security. Maybe it is best described as two standing back to back and come hell, high water or hailstorm (or the Queen of England) neither will give in. I think this has plenty lot to do with trust. That I know I can trust the other no matter what the situation, that if I'm at my most vulnerable, he'll stand up for me, for I'd do the same.
/rant

S***! Time's up. Must go and do kendo. Sorry for the tpy-O's no time to edit.

Renny-Alexander




07/02/07 In Memorian

Last week, while I was taking BlueMax to road worthiness test I heard the news on the radio and I instantly thought that what sick joke is this? But no joke, another of the Babitzin brothers had died. Kirka. Wham! I just couldn't believe it, but it did not hit home until later that same evening, watching the ten o'clock news.
How can this be? Wasn't it just a while ago when I thought that I must go and see him in concert soon for I haven't been on any for such a long time. Now I'll never will. And I'm sad, sadder that I have been for long time. I was also really looking forward of watching 'Tanssii tähtien kanssa' for he'd been in it.
I cannot remember how many times I saw him on stage, but everytime, every gig was absolutely best. And everytime, after the last song, I'd walk up to this sound man and tell him thanks for a great time and asked him to pass my thanks to all the lads. I don't know if he ever did and now it no longer matters.
I wish strenght to all his family. I can only imagine their loss if I, who didn't know the lad at all, am feeling this sad. Kirka will live on, in our hearts and minds, family, friend and fan alike, and above all, he will live on in his music.
Be at peace.
'I'm the one who cries'
Renny-Alexander




20/01/07 New year, old tricks

Aye, same old shite, just new wrapping. Excuse me the sarcasm, it's been a very long week at work. This in my only day off this week and I'd just as rather not get up at all. But...
There's always but.
Kendo and sauna today. The combination alone is enough to drive me out me bed. And I need the little practise I can get before the 20 years anniversary camp a week from now. Yay! It seems that every sensei who ever got here to teach us is participating. And my Japanese is, well, non-existing. Shame on me! Anyhoo, when Elina approached me with the request of wether I'm going or not, I thought of bruises, blisters, humiliation and total loss of self-respect and it turned out that I found it fun.
Aye, I know, my head's not right.

The CaveMan decided to put his club in the corner and come out of his cave. Read: Ismo and I went out for a coffee. I was sorely tempted to rub on his face the fact that I will not be treated like an old dish-rag, but thought better of it. I will not go into details about this, but let it be said that he hurt me just before Chirstmas and the 'praise' cannot be measured. I might be just a trifle too kind, but I value his friendship more than the hurt is worth. And I let the matter be because I know that I could not be civil with it for I'd most likely end up having a childish tantrum and making a spectacle. Not good, not at all.
I promised to serve him the next chapter of my story just as soon as I have it re-written, in toto. Chapter three was on old hard-drive that decided to die, remember? Plenty work to do, and absolutely no time to do it, presently. Chpater 14 needs to be finished. I am actually entertaining meself with the thought of writing it in the next few days so I could do the editing over the kendo-camp weekend. It's a long drive to and from Fiskars. But there is the risk of too many prying eyes.

Renny-Alexander